Bathrooms are supposed to be private. They’re supposed to be that coveted sanctuary where I can drop my pants and let it all out without any shame, moaning “AHHH” as the urine flows into my toilet’s porcelain confines. But this bathroom wasn’t like that. This one had a gigantic window behind the toilet. AND IT WAS WIDE OPEN.
I ended up in this facility – squashed into a corner at the top of a staircase – during a mid-afternoon snack at this amazing West End bakery with chocolate cheesecake suited for a princess. Needless to say, after all that goodness, the cake charged right through me, and I just had to go. So, I excused myself, headed to the powder room, and here I find it…the open window. I tried to close it, but the damn thing was stuck, so I hoped no one in the courtyard outside would notice me doing my business. I made it through the urination portion without a peep from anyone outside, but right as I was about to let the cake out of my arse, I felt something.
SOME DIPSHIT FROM OUTSIDE THREW A TENNIS BALL AT ME. AND IT KNOCKED ME IN THE ROYAL NOGGIN.
“CRAP! Sorry lady!” the kid screamed. Yeah, you arse, don’t you know to never hit a princess? GOD.
But anyway, though slightly concussed, I managed to finish shitting out my cake. After wiping and dressing, I went to go flush the toilet, but alas, the flush was nowhere to be found. FUCK. My shit was literally filling the toilet, too, so I seriously needed to get rid of it. I looked around, to no avail, so growing frustrated, I tilted my head back so I could let out a scream of frustration…and that’s when I noticed a piece of wire floating above, connected to a flushing apparatus with a beautiful face penned on it. MAGIC. I’D NEVER SEEN ONE OF THOSE BEFORE.
I tugged THAT shit, and down went MY shit. A royal flush. PIECE OF CAKE.